One of my favorite stories about my late mother-in-law, AKA Nana, was the group family photo taken at a wedding. She had a huge copy made, which hung prominently in her living room. She loved that picture. But when my youngest sister-in-law was divorced, what was she going to do with a beloved and expensive family portrait featuring her former son-in-law?
Nana was a clever woman. Even in this pre-digital era, she found a way to erase him from the family. She removed the beloved photo from its frame and drew a curtain over her daughter’s ex. Then, she drew a matching curtain on the other side. I wish I had inherited that picture because it was masterful. From that point on, whenever new members joined my husband’s side of the family, the running joke was not to end up standing near the edge of the photo.
I wish I had adhered to that lesson, as I inherited my parents’ love for taking family photos to mark special occasions. We took so many of them and I still love reminiscing about who had joined the family, how cute my kids and then grandkids were, and how my nieces and nephews had found partners and started their own families. I never dreamed I would one day be confronted with Nana’s dilemma, but sadly it happened. Not too long after we gathered to celebrate my mother’s ninetieth birthday, my youngest daughter and her spouse divorced, and I was left with what to do about that family portrait, the last one that included Mom, who died less than two years later.
The offensive ex-son-in-law was very tall and stood in the back row. I had some rudimentary skills with photo editing and decided to remove his head. Wish I could have done that in real life. So, I did, but he was holding the baby who ended up weirdly floating in space. I tried rehanging the picture like Nana had done, but my editing resulted in an eerie family photo. Ultimately, I took it down with great sadness.
Ultimately, my daughter remarried and pictures that include her second husband and their blended family are great. But I struggle with what to do with almost ten years of photos pre-divorce. What about the album from her first marriage that includes many people I love who are no longer here? Baby pictures of her children with their biological father? I hold on to these things in case my grandchildren want these photos of their biological father someday. He has been totally out of their lives since the divorce. No child support or visits. But it’s better for them than being pulled back and forth between feuding parents. My daughter’s current husband officially adopted them, so they are blessed to have a real father in their lives.
On our 50th anniversary, the family photo that is the featured image was the only gift I wanted. I can put this one in a frame and have happy memories of that day when our family was once again whole. No need to cut anyone out of that picture.
Laurie LevyBoomer. Educator. Advocate. Eclectic topics: grandkids, special needs, values, aging, loss, & whatever. Author: Terribly Strange and Wonderfully Real.
Laurie, I do love everything about your 50th anniversary photo (my in-laws took a comparable one and we all cherish it). But yes, you have a real dilemma with that ex-husband in the old photos. I understand not hanging the old photos, but I would not get rid of them, for the reasons you describe. There are still so many loved ones in them. And his children may want them some day, even though he has abandoned them.
One of our most difficult tasks after our father died was going through his photo albums. My brother and I kept photos of family members we knew and loved, but threw away people we could not identify. It felt like we were discarding a life.
When my parents divorced, my brother and I were grown and out of the house, but it was written into the decree that my brother would receive the old (precious) home movies and projector (our mother was threatening to burn or destroy everything, so that was for safe-keeping. He did eventually transfer them to tape and made a copy for me. I, in turn, transferred them to DVD and made a copy for him, but with each transfer (and some date back more than 70 years), quality has been lost. At least we have them!
Our mother kept a lot of photos and did rip our father out of some, but, remarkably, many remain intact and they came to my basement when I moved her out of Detroit, which I why I am able to use them now for these stories. Old photos tell our stories in so many ways, even difficult stories.
Betsy, you really understand the dilemma. Like you, I ended up being the keeper of photos for my and mu husband’s side of our family. I spent countless hours scanning them onto my computer, discarding the ones that we just scenery and the ones of people we could not identify. I also put our old home movies onto video tape and then DVD, but the quality really suffered. Of course, when that was all finished, our siblings wanted copies (A bit like The Little Red Hen). Like you, I am a collector of memories. While I would like to forget about my former son-in-law, he was the biological father of three wonderful grandchildren. So, I will hang onto those pictures in case they want them someday. I’m guessing my daughter threw them out!
Great photo! The resemblance between you (I think) and the young woman to your left and back a row is startling, down to the hairstyle!
Since you are open to Photoshopping, how about just adding someone else’s head onto your ex-SIL’s shoulders?
That’s one of my daughters, and we go to the same stylist. I’m not skilled enough to add a different head (spouse #2?), and I kind of lied decapitating him.
Laurie, I had to laugh about your mother cutting the ex-guy out of the photos!
I divorced and have no qualms about discarding my wedding album . But what I’m sorry about is throwing out my ex-husband’s college senior thesis. Like me he was an English major and wrote his thesis on Tennessee Williams. The dedication on the first page was to me, and the thesis was fascinating and well-written, and sure wish I could read it again!
I understand your regret about the thesis.
Laurie, I know this was an absolute dilemma to you, but I’m rolling with laughter over your attempt to remove the culprit from the photo. “The floating baby” could be a title of a poem. Your family is so huge and so happy. You are truly blessed. Love this picture!
Thanks, Patty. You are right about a poem entitled “The Floating Baby.” I know you could write it, but I may give it a try someday.
What to do with old pictures indeed–an ongoing dilemma, worse with unpleasant “exes” to deal with. The most important part is your continuing support of your daughter and the grandkids, and the wonderful family you have–and identification of all the people in the pictures somehow marked for future reference of course.
Khati, you are so right about identification. I keep meaning to do that “someday.” That led to many of our parents’ photos being tossed.
Your story poses a good question about those family photos after divorce, Laurie. I would add to that question, another one: what to do with the names of ex-spouses that were added in ink to the family Bible? I came across the photo issue when I was producing a video montage of photos from my cousin’s life after his untimely passing a few years ago. Bob lived a full life, but he was divorced and had remarried several years before he died. So there was the question of what to do with key photos of his life during the 20 years he was married to his first wife? Hard to crop out a woman who is standing in the middle of a group, and then there is the question of whether that’s appropriate to do anyway. I kept a couple in, but timed them out quickly and moved on to the many other photos.
Oh my. That Bible question is a tough one. So is the Family Tree and genealogy. There is a way to “divorce” family members and add second (or more) marriages in Ancestry.com. As the grandparent of kids who joined our family through adoption and kids whose birth father is out of the picture (the head I wanted to crop out) and now are adopted by my daughter’s second husband, I hate the Family Tree assignment. The solution you came up with for your video montage is great. I need to remember it if I have to do one for a special (or sad) occasion.