I’m a planner.
Like to have all
Potentialities acknowledged,
Surveyed, and appropriate
Responses in hand and heart.
So growing up I
Knew I was a teacher.
The evolution of
Who I was teaching all
Neatly corralled in the
Pen of possibility I
Keep stocked with vigilance
My storybook love
With a soul mate,
And how our relationship
Matured as we did,
My plans always held us
Aging together as we
Journeyed this ocean of uncertainty
That is life in partnership.
I knew I was to be a mom
And prided myself for not
Only staying on track
Most of the time,
But even rolling with the
Quirks, circumstance and dynamics
Of family life-
embracing the challenges,
Because playing whack a mole
Is just part of the deal.
And the richness was the
Delicacy I craved.
I envisioned a remarkable senior hood
Of service and passion
Continuing my spiritual exploration
Amidst more spare time to
Art
To Love
To Connect
To Revel.
To savor and enjoy
The pieces of life that didn’t
Quite fit in my daily plans
While in my years of prime energy.
However, life knows
Goodness knows,
Love knows,
That the universe has a wry sense of
Irony.
The sweet carpet of my ordered life
got swept out from under me
I spiraled through
Illness
Divorce
More illness
My Daddy dying
My mama dying
Disabling illness
Grandparenthood without
The abundance I had foreseen.
So, I am here now with
Tattered plans in hand
Realizing that I can either
Keep kicking and paddling
Upstream toward
What feels like was
my life
Or pick up my feet and
Float toward a closer
Identity
And personal painful pushes
To see beyond
The limited vision
Of my expectations
January Handl
January, your poetry and imagery once again amazes and delights me, I see a human life revealed with all it’s sorrows and joys, disappointments and hopes.
Brava poetess!
Thank you, Dana!❤️🙏🏼🦋
January, you always take my breath away with the revelations you manage in so few words. Please keep paddling upstream, but hope you can see beyond and find something uplifting.
Thank you, Betsy!❤️🙏🏼
This beautiful piece really resonated so much with me. How much we take for granted our health, our relationships and our joy in living when we are young. You expressed these emotions so eloquently by writing a poem.
Thank you, Sara!❤️🙏🏼
Wow, January, this captures so much, and there is much wisdom here. May you keep floating …
Thank you!❤️🙏🏼
January, I sense grace under pressure in you, and it may be that your experience of survival, just keeping your head above water, will ultimately give you more solace and pride than you would have felt had things gone according to plan.
Thank you, Barbara! I agree that some of my times “off path” was the exact road I needed to take!❤️🙏🏼🦋
January, this is so eloquent! The universe does have a wry sense of irony. I’m sorry for all the pain you have expressed. I hope whether you decide to keep paddling upstream or float toward something different, that you get to somewhere that you are happy to be. Thank you for all you bring to Retrospect!
Thank you, Suzy. When I am looking through the right lens, I see the pain is usually a push toward movement.❤️🙏🏼🦋
I love this, January. As a fellow planner and teacher, I have been surprised as I age how little control I have over the things that matter the most. Trying not to take for granted the small gifts that flow my way these days.
Thank you, Laurie- there always remains beauty and connection!❤️🙏🏼
January, congrats on being the Featured Story this week. Your poems add so much to Retrospect! Hope you will read and comment on other stories when you have time. That’s part of what makes the Retrospect community so special.