Meditation? You Mean Sitting There Like a Pretzel, Not Thinking About My To-Do List?

 

 

Meditation. It’s all the rage these days, like kale chips and adult coloring books. Everyone’s hopping on the bandwagon, chanting “om” and levitating off the floor… or at least that’s what the Instagram influencers want you to believe. But for the rest of us, busy bees drowning in a never-ending to-do list, meditation sounds about as appealing as voluntarily getting stuck in rush hour traffic.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m all for inner peace and achieving or listening to Nirvana… as long as Nirvana involves a comfortable couch, a giant vat of cheesy dip, and the latest remake of Shogun. Because let’s be honest, our minds are like overstuffed gym lockers. There’s that work email you forgot to send bouncing around next to the grocery list you haven’t made, all tangled up with yesterday’s argument about how or even whether to fold the fitted sheet (fight me on this one).

Meditation is supposed to help you clear all that junk out, but let’s be real. The second you close your eyes and try to think of nothing, your brain throws a mental rave. Suddenly, you remember that embarrassing thing you did in high school, that time you accidentally called your boss “mom,” and the personal dread that you’ll never fold a fitted sheet correctly creeps in. It’s like your brain is a mischievous toddler, gleefully making sure you achieve absolutely no zen whatsoever.

Plus, sitting perfectly still for extended periods? Forget about it. My body contorts into more awkward positions than a yogurt pretzel dipped in rigor mortis. My leg falls asleep, my back aches, and all I can think about is how much I need a massage (and maybe a nap… in a vat of onion dip).

Now, some folks swear by meditation. They say it reduces stress, improves focus, and unlocks the secrets of the universe. Maybe. But for the rest of us, there are other ways to achieve a semblance of inner calm. Here are some alternatives, Kevin style:

Retail Therapy: Nothing clears the mind like a good shopping spree. Retail therapy isn’t just about buying things you don’t need (although, that pretty scarf does look divine), it’s about the act of browsing and the endorphin rush of a potential purchase. Just pace yourself and avoid the clearance rack; that’s a whole other level of stress.

 

Rage Cleaning: Sometimes, the most mindful activity is a good, old-fashioned cleaning rampage. Blast some angry rock n’ roll music, grab some disinfectant wipes, and channel your inner warrior on that dust bunny infestation. You’ll be amazed at how much better you feel after scrubbing the negativity away (and maybe finding some lost socks in the process).

 

Carb Loading: Let’s face it, happiness is often a giant plate of pasta. Indulging in your favorite comfort food can be a form of meditation, a celebration of the simple pleasures in life. Just remember, portion control is still a thing (or at least tell yourself that after the third helping).

Look, meditation might be the key to enlightenment for some for sure but for the rest of us, there are other perfectly valid paths to inner peace. So, ditch the uncomfortable silence and embrace your own brand of zen. After all, a little retail therapy and a giant plate of pasta never hurt anyone (except maybe your credit card balance).

–30–

 

 

Breathe

It was easy to lose focus and dither the time away, getting lost in e-mail or reports, working through the day without a break. I decided to prioritize finding time to physically leave the office at least once a day.
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Sciatica

Sciatica

Altho I’ve borne a child I can’t say I’ve experienced the pain of childbirth.   Early in my labor the doctor discovered the baby was in breech position and I’d need  a Cesarean,  and so I was put out and felt no pain.  (See My Brown-Eyed Girl)

And once I had a really bad compound ankle fracture from a fall.  I lay on the ground obviously in shock and felt no pain,  and then in the ambulance I was hooked up to a morphine drip,  and so no pain.  (See Broken Ankle)

But let me tell you about my really painful bout with sciatica,  and my Me Too moment with the creepy doctor who treated me.

If you’ve suffered with sciatica yourself you can feel my pain,  at times I felt something was inside my left leg gnawing at my bones,  especially at night when I was lying in bed.  I went from orthopedist to pain doctor to acupuncturist,  to no avail.   I even tried a supposed cure for sciatica I found on the internet altho there was no medical science to support it,  and my husband rolled his eyes when I told him that putting a bar of soap between the bedsheets would help.   It didn’t.

And so my suffering continued,  especially at night when my moaning and groaning kept us both awake.

Then a friend recommended I see his chiropractor, who he said worked wonders.  Altho I’d always been a little wary of chiropractors,  I was desperate and made an appointment with Dr B.

Dr B was a handsome man,  seemingly quite charming,  and had a very impressive,  well-appointed office.   He came out to the waiting room to greet me and ushered me into a darkened exam room,  gave me a hospital gown,  and told me to undress completely.    I thought that was strange as the pain was only in my left leg,  but he was the doctor and I just the suffering patient,  and so I undressed and lay down on the table.   He told me to relax and began turning and manipulating my leg,  then after awhile his hands began moving up my legs,  startling and then alarming me.  I froze but am ashamed to say I was too confused and embarrassed to question him or call him out – after all he was the doctor.

Minutes later he said the exam was over,  I should make a follow-up appointment,  and he left the room.   Shaken,  I dressed and hurried out,  and then I started second-guessing myself,   wondering if I had imagined something that was too awful to have actually happened.  But when I got to the outer office Dr B was waiting for me,  asked if my leg felt better,  and then invited me to meet him later for a drink.

Needless to say I didn’t make that follow-up appointment,  nor did I meet him for that drink.   Rather I left his office as fast as I could.

But altho I’d never say the affront and the indignity were worth it,  I must admit Dr B did cure my sciatica!

– Dana Susan Lehrman

Migraine

Migraine

I must have been 11 or 12 the first time it hit me. I was sitting in the back seat with my friend Paula as her father drove us to a friend’s birthday party when I suddenly had a horrible nauseous headache.  I don’t remember what happened after that but I assume Paula’s dad took me home.

That was my first migraine attack which I later learned is often tied to hormonal changes.  Thus mine began with puberty,  and periodically for decades I suffered those debilitating nauseous headaches when it felt as if a tight rubber band was pressing on my temples.  And altho I don’t remember broadcasting my ills,  among friends it seems my headaches were legendary.  (See Carving Mr Pumpkin)

Today there are many migraine medicines on the market,   but back then there was no sure fire treatment,  so I’d lie in a darkened bedroom,  a cold compress on my forehead,  and wait to throw up – the one thing that eventually brought relief.

Once I was so sick at work my husband had to come and get me,  and once I was so distraught he brought me to a hospital emergency room.

I did consult a neurologist who questioned how often I suffered,  and for how long.  When I told her it happened 3 or 4 times a year with the attacks lasting an hour or so until I felt sick enough to throw up,  she said I should thank my lucky stars I wasn’t suffering monthly as some women do.   And she advised I try Ipecac,  an over-the-counter syrup that hastens antiperistalsis – in other words makes you throw up.   And so I always kept a bottle on hand –  until people with eating disorders began to abuse it to empty their stomachs,  and then Ipecac became a prescription med.

One day at work the subject of migraine came up over lunch.  My colleague Alex said his wife Beth suffered migraines monthly,  and often so badly he’d have to take her to the emergency room for relief.   Once,  he told us,  as Beth lay moaning on a hospital gurney,  a doctor told them that migraine  headaches can be alleviated by sexual intercourse.

Alex leaned over the gurney.  “Did you hear that?”  he asked his wife.  “Do you wanna try?”

Beth looked up at her husband.  “Fuhgeddaboudit.”   she said thru clenched teeth.

Postscript

The neurologist had also told me that dark chocolate and red wine can be migraine triggers,  and so for years I abstained from both.   But thankfully since the hormonal changes that came with menopause my migraines have ceased.

And so now I eat the chocolate,  and I drink the wine,  but first I raise my glass to everyone’s good health!

– Dana Susan Lehrman