The Band Shak

David came home for Christmas break from Stanford freshman year and announced he was going to join the band. I scoffed. He had played piano in elementary school, so perhaps remembered how to read music, but knew no other instrument that would help in a marching band. “What will you play,” I queried, “the triangle”? “They will teach me an instrument”, he replied. And so they did…the tuba, or more properly, the Sousaphone. You must understand, David is 5″6″, so somewhat overwhelmed by the size of the instrument. I suspect that was part of the joke.

The Stanford Band is notorious. They are a scatter band. The do not march in formation, they run to their positions on the field to make whatever formations are required for the desired effect. They try to be witty or political, but frequently are offensive. Before David’s time they were banned for life from ever again playing at Notre Dame because their drum major conducted the band with a crucifix. Later, same result with Brigham Young where, during half-time their dancers, known as “Dollies” came out in wedding veils and the announcer said, “Marriage…a sacred vow between a man and a woman, and another woman, and another woman…” Well, you get the picture. Political commentary didn’t always go over well; BYU was not amused. There was a travel ban for a while, since the kids got drunk on their way home from an away game and literally tore up the bus.

Much of this was before my son’s era. He worked hard to learn his instrument and found a real social group within the ranks of bandmates. Their repertoire was contemporary. They were the opening act for The Who once. We went out twice to see them perform; once to a basketball game during his sophomore year, and to the “Big Game” (vs. UC Berkeley) his junior year, just before he left for Thanksgiving break. He was section leader by then and worn ragged with all the responsibilities, parties and pep rallies they had to perform at. We had to wake him from a stupor to get him to the flight home. They even perform at former band members weddings from time to time.

Between his junior and senior years, he stayed at Stanford to work in a physics lab (that being his major). A few friends were there that summer as well. At the end of the summer, the band moved from their old “band shak”, where instruments were stored and they rehearsed, a truly dreadful, filthy, run-down modular building, to a newly refurbished, million dollar building. The kids on campus worked for several days to move everything over. They were told the old Band Shak was coming down the next day. There was a long-standing tradition to destroy the old one. At one time the university president had even joyously joined in the destructive fun.

By this point, there was no faculty oversight of the band. The administration had given up trying to regulate them long ago. A fellow bandmate contacted David and a few other kids. She said she had permission from the person in charge of the band to demolish the old Band Shak. So, late at night, four kids went in with sledge hammers, paint, and food and REALLY messed it up, since they thought they had permission and because it would be bull-dozed the next day. They knocked out windows and walls, sprayed it with graffiti, smeared it with condiments. It had been unseemly before (my shoes had stuck to the floor when we had visited it a year earlier). Now it was the after-photo from Demolition Derby.

The next day the tow truck showed up. It turns out this was a RENTAL modular building and it wasn’t being torn down – it was being removed and returned! Palo Alto police and Stanford police were called. The four kids were questioned. They were stunned. These were all good kids, honors students, no complaints against them ever and they had not been drinking. They honestly thought they had permission to do this. (Turns out the supervisor, who was also a student, had winked, and said, “I can’t actually say it’s OK to do this, but don’t get caught”.)

The police didn’t press charges, but Stanford considered this a violation of their honors code and demanded to know who else had defaced the property throughout the years. The list grew a lot longer. They were hauled before the Honors Code Board, made up of faculty and students, but the meetings kept being put off, so this hung over David’s head for most of his senior year. He didn’t know if he would graduate or be suspended. The band was suspended for all of David’s senior year, though there was a brand new stadium. The dedication and games went on without the band. In March of his senior year, the ruling finally came down that there would be no punishment, since Stanford had tolerated this behavior for years without ever trying to rein in the behavior. After David graduated, the band was reinstated, but now with administrative oversight.

The whole episode soured David on his alma mater, leaving a permanent scar.

 

Waiting for Christie

We spent the day before in Ogunquit, ME. I walked the beach with my dad and got a bit sunburnt. We had to drive 1,000 miles to get me from Huntington Woods, MI to Waltham, MA for the start of my freshman year at Brandeis University. It was September, 1970. Campuses across the US were in revolt. Mine was a closely screened class, since Brandeis had been the epicenter of the Student Information Strike Center and had gone out on strike the semester before when Nixon bombed Cambodia. But none of that was on my mind as we watched the Miss America Pageant in our little cottage the night before coming to campus (Phyllis George won).

One of my dad’s sisters lived in Worcester and some distant St. Louis cousin was doing graduate work at Brandeis, so Dad took them and friends of my brother’s (Rick had graduated a year earlier and was now in Israel, studying to become a rabbi) out for lunch at a nice Italian restaurant in Waltham before going to campus. By the time we got to Brandeis to check me in, my roommate, Carol Orshan from Canarsie, Brooklyn was already there. She expected me to wear overalls and have hay coming out of my hair. She didn’t know that Huntington Woods is 2 1/2 miles from the Detroit city limits. She was a tough cookie, very worldly. I learned to sleep nude from her. And she didn’t think twice about having guys stay over, even if I was in the room. At least she didn’t smoke (cigarettes) and we shared the same taste in pop music. But at this moment, Brandeis housing only had one key to the room and Carol already had it. So I had to stick with her as she came and went. Also, the heel to my favorite white sandals broke just as I entered the dorm. Not a good omen.

Brandeis was a young, disorganized school with no strong traditions. There weren’t upperclassmen to help unload the cars, and no real orientation. My dad brought in my luggage (no footlockers or boxes, just what I could pack in a few suitcases). It didn’t take me long to unpack, make my bed (I had signed up for sheets from the school laundry service that year). I felt like a lost puppy.

I knew a dear camp friend was also attending Brandeis: Christie Gunn. She was in the same quad in the dorm next door. I changed out of my peach pant suit into the “uniform”, blue jeans and tee shirt (see the photo with my parents taken on that first day – I think it was Sept. 13). I went next door and found Christie. My dad said my whole face just lit up. I had found my friend.

Christie was very self-assured, she had seen a lot of the world. We had known each other since being in the same cabin at camp in 1965 and been good friends since. Yet it was complete serendipity that we both wound up at Brandeis. I was SO glad to see her that day. We made plans to go up to North Quad to the Freshman Barbecue together, the four roommates.

At the appointed time, the four of us walked up the big hill, past the statue of Louis Brandeis, for whom the university is named, to the other quad that houses mostly freshman and has a large outdoor space in the center. A large party was ensuing and kids were awkwardly talking, trying to get to know one another. The four of us had our meals on our laps. Christie’s name tag read “Christie Gunn”. Some guy from Ridgewood, which had the reputation for being the hippie quad, was trying to pick me up. I was so insecure. I don’t think I was too interested in him, but I was trying to win points, so I said, “Her father is Hugh Hefner”. He didn’t believe me; he asked Christie. She shot me one of those “if looks could kill, you’d be dead” looks and responded that her father was Ed Gunn.

Christie’s mother divorced Ed Gunn about four months later and before our senior year, Christie took back the name Hefner, her father’s name, so that it would appear on her Phi Beta Kappa certificate. She has been Christie Hefner ever since, though she retired from Playboy more than seven years ago. And we are still friends.

Here we are almost 50 years later.

June, 2019, our 45th Brandeis reunion

 

 

 

“It was a cold and lonely night,..” or Absurdist Reality

 

Part I   The Prelude

We were living in Scotland for almost a year when I discovered that I was pregnant.  Robert, had been moved to Edinborough by his company to  run one factory in Scotland.  We were excited.  I don’t think either of us had spent time in Europe and we both liked to travel.  My daughter was about 9 years old at the time we moved and we put her in a “public” school which is the equivalent of a private school in the states.  We lived just outside a little town called Balerno which had once been considered a vacation spot for the people of Edinborough.  It wasn’t far enough away from Edinborough to have been considered much of a vacation spot by Americans.

Our home was beautiful.  The original owner had been not only a professional soccer player, but also a landscape architect.  There were apple trees, flowers blooming at least 9 months of the year, a large strawberry patch, gooseberries, red currants and black currants.  Flowering trees, and bushes, a very very old oak tree that my daughter would climb and hide in when she was upset with us.  We  had a fish pond built out of local rocks and planted with satisfying water plants and mother of thyme growing between the borders of the rocks as well as tiny alpine strawberries. Nearby was a triangular space with lupines along one edge and along another side was some lavender.  We also had wild poppies, foxgloves and wild bluebells in the spring and summer.

The wildflowers looked like ones we would be proud to grow here in our gardens.  In the front yard we had rhododendrons that never bloomed as long as we lived there and a beautiful rounded garden of lush roses.  One day when I was out in the garden, the man who had helped the original owner create all of this beauty, came by to reminisce about the process of its creation…his specialty had been laying out the stones creating stone walls with small niches for plants.  Although there were many types and seasonal plants in this little paradise, the whole place seemed as if it had always been there, even the little alpine gardens nestled against the shelves of stone along the path leading outside the back door.   There was a small sheltered area for saving  potatoes and other winter vegetables through the cold months or  for storing wine.

In Great Britain the care during pregnancy was good, but we chose a private doctor anyway.  He was experienced and  predicted that my second child would be born around October 24th.  I was excited and so was my daughter and husband.  I continued with my routine.  I joined a British Women’s Club that was not focused on traditional interests but was a mix of culture and fun, history and walks.  I also participated each year in the Thanksgiving festivities with the “American Wives Club” except for the first year.

Robert met someone who invited us over to their incredible cottage with the traditional cottage garden for a thanksgiving dinner. (The home was so traditional that you can almost see the home and kitchen garden by looking at a picture of a  British Cottage and Garden.)  The meal was wonderful, and I think it made the three of us a little less homesick.  These new friends liked the idea of a holiday based on gratitude, and had celebrated Thanksgiving every year.

My routine was getting Dawn off to school, picking her up, arranging birthday parties, trying to help her with bizarre  homework assignments. (We had a special dance called the “—-” dance that we used to excoriate our frustrations with the seemingly impossible requests.  One time Dawn had to research a famous Saint in Scotland who is practically unknown anywhere else in the world.  The books we had available gave no clues.(Computers were not widespread at the time.)

Life was  more traditional than I had ever hoped  it would be.   Derwin and I travelled.  I had begun meditating seriously about a year before we moved.  It was liberating to say the least, although around this time, my original Guru died. I felt as if I had been at the Ashram in India while he was dying. He came in a dream and he talked me through the process of his death in a way which was very peaceful.  I could go on for a long while, this is just the setting and background, and foundation of my life at that time.

All seemed to be going well.  We left my daughter home during one trip because she had difficulty tolerating the conditions of the travel.  At about 7 months pregnancy we took a “bargain” cruise  (CHEAP, Russian ship registered in Greece and run by a Greek Crew.)   We had luxurious bunk beds, an unusable bathroom that leaked all over the cabin, canned foods, and entertainment that could have been used to exterminate all the vermin living there.  Not a great choice for a pregnant women with nausea.  However we visited multiple Greek Islands, stayed a week on Crete, which was really the highlight of the trip for me, since the Greek Guides are so well trained and knowledgeable and the people in Crete are very friendly.

The Greek men were not particularly kind in those days to an obviously pregnant woman out and about in the world.   However Greek women were wonderful, especially the Greek Grandmothers.   They would stop me as we walked along the way to some place or other, talk a bit and gave me plums or other bits of food, as if I were supposed to be eating all the time.  I took full advantage of the situation and enjoyed the friendly broken communication.

By the way I have it from the best of authorities (Greek tour guides) that the best place to empty your bladder if you are exploring an old ruin is to stoop down behind any wall that is six or more inches in height into a deep knee bend and take care of matters. I would like to meet a very pregnant woman who could accomplish that task gracefully and without being soaked and congratulate her.  We went to Rhodes, stopped in Yugoslavia long before their very tragic war.  In one city they had an outdoor Shakespeare production every year.  We also visited a cloister  that was the location of the oldest existing pharmacy.

The trip ended.  We were dropped off in Venice for the flight home.  We had a short time there, and bought a painting of some houses we had seen along a canal.  Another time a few years later,  we returned and bought a hand stamped wall hanging in glittering colors of purple/reds greens and blues and silver.  It hangs along the stairway now, in our current home.

Autumn was on its way, and all seemed well.

 

Part 2  Daniel decides the timing, not me, not Robert, or Dawn and certainly not the Doctor.

It was Sept 22, 1983, a night neither my husband or probably my daughter or I will ever forget.  I was having early contractions which were not difficult but were a little uncomfortable.  It was about 8 in the evening and I was reading about emergency deliveries, ironically enough.  I’m the kind of person who tries to mentally prepare ahead of events and had an intuition that I might deliver early.  ( My daughter was delivered about about an hour or so after I arrived at the hospital).

Robert and I were a little concerned but not too worried. The contractions were mild. He called the doctor and the doctor didn’t think that we needed to go to the hospital that evening. He reassured Robert with prescient self confidence that  “everything will be over soon”  and to just relax and go to sleep.

I couldn’t sleep. The contractions increased in frequency and intensity.   After about the third call the doctor said to come to the hospital.   We decided to let Dawn stay home and sleep. I think we left her a note, as she was probably asleep by then.   Robert graciously and at the speed of a superman, collected some items to take with us.  Unfortunately none of them proved useful during our adventure. I threw on a dress and  stumbled out the door while holding the baby’s head in as we walked out into a cool September night.  I tried to tell Robert that I couldn’t walk, but he was so one pointed that it was like communing with the dead.  Somehow I managed to slog down the outdoor steps.  Instead of a nightgown a blanket or some baby clothes, he brought and old pair of pants (at least they were clean).

I was a ridiculous sight of course and in an absurd state of mind.  I was on all fours, soon after entering the car because the baby’s head was beginning to crown, and I couldn’t sit. The back seat was my territory and Robert’s detritus. Being the good father that he is, he was helping by reminding me to breath.  I was kicking doors as the contractions  grew stronger.  He would say breath.  For awhile that worked.  Then the contractions overcame my resolve and upon one reminder I told him , “You do it, I’m tired.”

Scotland has roundabouts.  A piece of circular road that one goes around in.  After entering and if not exiting immediately at the next exit, one carefully glides into the center lane. .  Sometimes you can go around several times if you are on a busy roundabout and are unable to move back to the outer lane to exit.  We were about 30 minutes from the Edinborugh hospital when we started.  Rob was hoping that the police would not stop him because he was going about 75 mph.  When on a straight road, it seemed like we were creeping along at 20 mph and I would beg him to speed up.  When on the roundabouts I would beg him to slow down, even though he was going maybe 5 or 10 miles an hour.

Eventually we arrived at the outer door of the hospital….”.it was a dark and lonely night”.  Derwin took a look a me and  left the car door wide open and ran up and down the hospital’s corridors screaming for the doctor.   I delivered Daniel at about 10:40 GMT and lay alone with him as he smiled into my face.  It was serene and although I did attempt to cover him with the pants legs, I was too exhausted to do much.

So I enjoyed his beauty and meditated and felt during that time as if my Gurus had been present with me.  It was a peaceful few minutes and I was grateful for my son. He was quiet and smiling. The delivery was easy. Daniel had a head of thick curly hair.  We just looked at each other, peace.

This resulted in the only time in my life that we were featured in any newspaper. At least two members of the American Wives Club had children in September and the someone wrote up the events of that night. The other lady, had her child only a few hours before Daniel was born.  She later told me that Robert sounded like a heard of elephants going down the halls of the hospital yelling for the doctor.  A nurse and a midwife came out to rescue Daniel and me.  Before long I was cleaned up and warm in my room, with a beautiful son and an exhausted hero.

Third Grade Move

Third Grade Move

 

We were late.

I was horrified.

The kind of fist-in-the-stomach

tense

that had tears trying to find

their way out the burning rims of my eyes.

I kept blinking,

as we hurried toward the numbered door.

Our new home’s construction

was delayed and so this September day

we had to cross the whole valley

to get to my new classroom,

in my new school,

in the new town,

with all new people.

My step-dad (Daddy to me)

had taken the opportunity this move offered

to reiterate to my older brother

and myself that if we wanted his

last name as our own,

he would be proud;

my mother added that it was our choice.

I thrilled from the unexpected

adult-like attention of that conversation,

and chose to try it on the first day,

remembering how my parents’ eyes

shone at my voicing this sweet shift.

School then and always has

provided me a realm

of competency, since I learn

the way public systems teach-

much of my esteem,

later ego,

grew from the strength

I drew from those roots:

of seek and find,

of truth and relativity,

of shared experience

and alien existence.

This 8 ½ year old that day,

flushed with the embarrassment

of walking past rows of

mostly white, well-bathed and eager faces,

wearing my favorite white knee socks,

and brand new red shoes

that were

making uncomfortably loud clacks

on the polished linoleum,

surrounded by the smells of chalkboards,

paste and pencil shavings

seemingly imbedded in the walls,

marched up with my step-father to

Mrs. Hinton,

who had brown hair

stacked higher than I had ever seen,

and curiously drawn-on eyebrows,

but also a wide smile that

crinkled her eyes and softened

her creased forehead.

She asked me for my name,

which I said a bit too quietly.

Then she asked me to spell

my last name,

and to my dawning horror,

I realized that I wasn’t sure…

in front of all my new classmates,

I wasn’t sure-fired ready

to shoot out a correct answer

and show everyone what a sharp

marksman I was

with the words that have always

wrapped themselves around my head,

heart and tongue.

My mother would have sensed my terror

without missing a beat,

but my daddy, a dear engineer who loved

us with a logical fierceness that

sometimes meant bewildered communication,

let me twist and turn inside

as my cheeks grew hotter and I gripped his hand.

Suddenly he looked at me, surprised

(at the time this doubled up my shame)

and spelled it, too loudly, to

my new, probably shocked,

teacher.

She waved me to my seat, right next to

a boy named Mike Inouye

and seeing his name tag penciled in

that precise teacher script

on the desk,

I grew humbler in my reading skills

as I tried to slump low in the chair.

Reflecting on the power of the moment,

in relation to the rest of my

truly wonderful third grade year,

gives me glimpse once again

that a first day

isn’t the end.

 

Revising the Editor

Revising the editor

Limits, rules, restrictions, guidelines, walls,

trigger my auto-response of

arising fierce Kali-spirit

that demands the shaking off

of the yoke burdening my shoulders,

spitting out the bit between my teeth,

severing the ball and chain cutting into my ankle,

and pulling the barbed wire from around my throat,

to run wildly into

the free dark woods of my intuition

Only to wander

Confused at the confusion that

my primal need for freedom

might cause the rest of the selves around

who earnestly want to understand

what I am trying to convey…

Beyond my defenses that protect where my heart

has been inscribed on the page

Is my yearning to connect deeply

using the instrument of my body/mind/ heart

and yours.

Truth must have some way

to the sacred water

that runs through us all

Slowly back stepping toward

my perceived prison

and now seeing

Walls were intricate bridges

Structure wanted not to contain

but to lend a skin of coherence.

Rules were noble agreements,

lending a lantern

of Illuminated common language,

limits only the background upon

which to create the limitless forms.

Finally

I get it-

the edit.