In the 1950s high school swimming was neither competitive nor popular.  For the macho man, the game was gymnastics on the bars, football on the field, and baseball on the diamonds.  For women, it was cheerleading and theater.

We did not have fancy or colorful uniforms.

Swimmers had a minimal audience. Our uniforms scantily revealed too much of our bodies:  Just bare legs with female swimsuits and men in speedos.

The frequent practice of swimming the breaststroke taught me to swim without rising up and down in the water which would make waves. As a father, I was able to show off my skill by perching my daughter on her knees on my back while I swam in the pool.  A few times when she was able to balance better, she stood up. For me, this feat was better than winning a race.

For eight years, I had a swimming routine at the university where I was a professor. My office was across the street from the pool, a distance of about 100 yards.  So I could dash between classes or office hours for a thirty-minute half-mile swim.  This was a weekly event, or more.

My effort was to swim as flat as possible with as much speed as possible, I kicked my legs with a small splash to remind me that my feet were not sinking deep in the water raising the level of my head.  And I also did not want them wagging in the air which would not propel me forward in the pool.

I calculated that covering the twenty-five-yard lap would require 14 strokes with one arm or 24 strokes with both. Additionally, I  needed to prevent my arms from diving deep into the water because that would just raise my body and prevent forward motion. Rather I should have my arms sweep across my chest and stomach

After swimming many laps, I developed muscle memory to the extent that I no longer counted my strokes or checked the splashing for my feet.  Sometimes, during the thirty-minute swim, I would shut my eyes falling into a coma-like state thinking of my classes, research, family, and life. I would not be aware of my distance from the edge of the pool. Consequently, my hand would alert me of the boundary by hitting the edge of the pool.  Or I would stop short of the lap’s completion by stopping to breathe on the 22^nd stroke. Occasionally I banged my head into the pool wall. When I did this in the shallow end, I would sink to my knees and swear to myself about my stupidity, but in the deep water, I would be suddenly forced to find the surface with some desperation.

My compulsive swimming habit also led to a precarious social and occupational threat.

I spent a sabbatical spring semester plus a summer off the campus. When I returned to my routine, I quickly dashed off to the pool for my 30-minute swim.  I dashed into the locker room to change and shower.  I had left my towel and speedo in my own locker for nine months.   I ran down the stairs to the pool.  Dashing into the locker room to change and shower. Entering the aisle with great expectations of a long-delayed swim I noticed swimmers preparing for their plunge. One was sitting on the bench looking away from me. I looked at this body with some curiosity. It did not look like a male there were no big shoulders, no tightly skinned muscular back, and just a small waist.  The feet were very small, and the toenails were colored. The silence was broken when the person shouted to a friend who was around the corner.  The noise was feminine, the sound of singing.

I realized I had sped into the wrong locker room. I ran upstairs to the secretary’s office yelling, “Why were there women in  the men’s locker room”

She replied calmly. “During the time you were gone, the locker rooms had been switched. The reason was that the women felt that the outside windows had allowed men to look at them during their changing clothes and showering.”

I asked. “Why did you not label the changes at the door?”

She answered with some amusement.

“We announced the change to the coaches and the swimmers.  We have not yet had time to post signage on the doors “

I left. I did not ask her to go down and get my Speedo and towel. I never retrieved them or picked up my lock.

My Conkeydoodle 

I’ve had many loving family relationships,  and one of them was with Conkeydoodle.   (See Call Me by Their Names)

Conkeydoodle’s father Jack and my father Arthur were first cousins,  so I guess that made me and Conkey second cousins – or maybe first cousins once removed,  we never could quite figure that out.  But Conkey was 11 years my senior and had been my babysitter at times,  and so actually she felt more like a big sister to me.

Of course her name wasn’t really Conkeydoodle but Esther,  and we’d laugh over the fact that neither of us could remember how I gave her that nickname in the first place.   But it stuck and over the years she remained  “my Conkeydoodle”,  and she always signed cards and letters,   and later emails to me as “Conkey”.

But when she started college,  then went to grad school in Massachusetts,  and then married Ed and settled in California,  we saw each other seldom.   But when their daughter Anya came east to Columbia’s journalism school,  and was living in Brooklyn for a few years,  Conkey and Ed visited New York often and we saw them whenever we could.   And over the years we visited them in their beautiful house in Berkeley and celebrated with them there at Anya’s wedding.

Conkey was a therapist and I’m sure was an excellent one –  she was gentle,  wise and empathetic.

Then one day Conkey called with the awful news she’d been diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis.  I flew out to see her and spent an afternoon at her bedside,  her devoted dog Ziggy lying on the quilt at her feet.

Soon after I got back to New York we got the tragic news that my cousin had died leaving those of us who loved her bereft.

And now my beloved Conkeydoodle,  your memory will forever be a blessing.

Danny,  Conkey,  Me and Ed  / Berkeley, CA 2013

– Dana Susan Lehrman

Guardian 

I never thought we’d lose touch or become estranged from good friends,   but sadly it happened.   (See The Gs and Malcolm) 

But it seemed inconceivable that in our own family there’d be an estrangement,  but tragically that happened as well.

In the early 1990s my sister Laurie married Andy,  and at the time they seemed a good match – both were post-docs working at the National Institute of Health in Rockville,  Maryland.

We lived in different states and we didn’t see them very often,  but when we did we found Andy a bit strange,  and as time went by we became aware of his dismissive manner and short fuse.

But my sister seemed happy and so I tried not to dwell on my growing unease when around Andy.   And when my nephew Michael was born Laurie and Andy seemed very happy,  and the family rejoiced.   But tragically at age two Michael was diagnosed with autism.

The family rallied with advice and recommendations for professionals who could help,  and offers of our time and energy,  even financial help to pay for special services.   But Andy spurned all our suggestions and offers of help.    Luckily they lived in a county that had a good special needs program in the public schools so at least Michael had that advantage.

Then the double whammy –  my sister was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis,  her health spiraled down rapidly,  and soon she could no longer work.  And then rather than showing gratitude for our offers of further help and support,  Andy made it clear they were unwelcome.

Then Andy himself had a heart attack,  was hospitalized,  and my sister – by then completely helpless and bedridden –  was taken to the hospital by Adult Protective Services.   With her husband temporarily incapacitated I was able to stand as her medical surrogate.  Then I applied to the court to be appointed as her legal guardian,  and at the trial the judge ruled that Andy’s misguided decision to keep her at home and “treat” her himself was actually an act of negligence bordering on abuse. The court granted me Laurie’s guardianship.

When she was stable enough to leave the hospital we moved her to a wonderful nursing home where for the last two years of her life she was under the care of a competent medical staff and eventually a compassionate hospice team.  (See Take Care of Your Sister and Look for the Helpers – for Laurie)

Since Laurie’s death we visit my nephew Michael in Rockville as often as we can.   He now lives in a wonderfully run group home for special needs adults where he is thriving.

The last time I saw my brother-in-law Andy however was at my sister’s funeral,  and I chose never to see him again.

Laurie

– Dana Susan Lehrman

The buddha smile will follow you.
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It was easy to lose focus and dither the time away, getting lost in e-mail or reports, working through the day without a break. I decided to prioritize finding time to physically leave the office at least once a day.
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Sciatica

Altho I’ve borne a child I can’t say I’ve experienced the pain of childbirth.   Early in my labor the doctor discovered the baby was in breech position and I’d need  a Cesarean,  and so I was put out and felt no pain.  (See My Brown-Eyed Girl)

And once I had a really bad compound ankle fracture from a fall.  I lay on the ground obviously in shock and felt no pain,  and then in the ambulance I was hooked up to a morphine drip,  and so no pain.  (See Broken Ankle)

But let me tell you about my really painful bout with sciatica,  and my Me Too moment with the creepy doctor who treated me.

If you’ve suffered with sciatica yourself you can feel my pain,  at times I felt something was inside my left leg gnawing at my bones,  especially at night when I was lying in bed.  I went from orthopedist to pain doctor to acupuncturist,  to no avail.   I even tried a supposed cure for sciatica I found on the internet altho there was no medical science to support it,  and my husband rolled his eyes when I told him that putting a bar of soap between the bedsheets would help.   It didn’t.

And so my suffering continued,  especially at night when my moaning and groaning kept us both awake.

Then a friend recommended I see his chiropractor, who he said worked wonders.  Altho I’d always been a little wary of chiropractors,  I was desperate and made an appointment with Dr B.

Dr B was a handsome man,  seemingly quite charming,  and had a very impressive,  well-appointed office.   He came out to the waiting room to greet me and ushered me into a darkened exam room,  gave me a hospital gown,  and told me to undress completely.    I thought that was strange as the pain was only in my left leg,  but he was the doctor and I just the suffering patient,  and so I undressed and lay down on the table.   He told me to relax and began turning and manipulating my leg,  then after awhile his hands began moving up my legs,  startling and then alarming me.  I froze but am ashamed to say I was too confused and embarrassed to question him or call him out – after all he was the doctor.

Minutes later he said the exam was over,  I should make a follow-up appointment,  and he left the room.   Shaken,  I dressed and hurried out,  and then I started second-guessing myself,   wondering if I had imagined something that was too awful to have actually happened.  But when I got to the outer office Dr B was waiting for me,  asked if my leg felt better,  and then invited me to meet him later for a drink.

Needless to say I didn’t make that follow-up appointment,  nor did I meet him for that drink.   Rather I left his office as fast as I could.

But altho I’d never say the affront and the indignity were worth it,  I must admit Dr B did cure my sciatica!

– Dana Susan Lehrman

Migraine

I must have been 11 or 12 the first time it hit me. I was sitting in the back seat with my friend Paula as her father drove us to a friend’s birthday party when I suddenly had a horrible nauseous headache.  I don’t remember what happened after that but I assume Paula’s dad took me home.

That was my first migraine attack which I later learned is often tied to hormonal changes.  Thus mine began with puberty,  and periodically for decades I suffered those debilitating nauseous headaches when it felt as if a tight rubber band was pressing on my temples.  And altho I don’t remember broadcasting my ills,  among friends it seems my headaches were legendary.  (See Carving Mr Pumpkin)

Today there are many migraine medicines on the market,   but back then there was no sure fire treatment,  so I’d lie in a darkened bedroom,  a cold compress on my forehead,  and wait to throw up – the one thing that eventually brought relief.

Once I was so sick at work my husband had to come and get me,  and once I was so distraught he brought me to a hospital emergency room.

I did consult a neurologist who questioned how often I suffered,  and for how long.  When I told her it happened 3 or 4 times a year with the attacks lasting an hour or so until I felt sick enough to throw up,  she said I should thank my lucky stars I wasn’t suffering monthly as some women do.   And she advised I try Ipecac,  an over-the-counter syrup that hastens antiperistalsis – in other words makes you throw up.   And so I always kept a bottle on hand –  until people with eating disorders began to abuse it to empty their stomachs,  and then Ipecac became a prescription med.

One day at work the subject of migraine came up over lunch.  My colleague Alex said his wife Beth suffered migraines monthly,  and often so badly he’d have to take her to the emergency room for relief.   Once,  he told us,  as Beth lay moaning on a hospital gurney,  a doctor told them that migraine  headaches can be alleviated by sexual intercourse.

Alex leaned over the gurney.  “Did you hear that?”  he asked his wife.  “Do you wanna try?”

Beth looked up at her husband.  “Fuhgeddaboudit.”   she said thru clenched teeth.

Postscript

The neurologist had also told me that dark chocolate and red wine can be migraine triggers,  and so for years I abstained from both.   But thankfully since the hormonal changes that came with menopause my migraines have ceased.

And so now I eat the chocolate,  and I drink the wine,  but first I raise my glass to everyone’s good health!

– Dana Susan Lehrman

And like magic, the water didn’t crash over us and tumble us around, it just lifted us up and then down, our toes touching the sand again.  It was wonderful.
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Swimming

Ah, swimming. That timeless activity – unless, of course, you consider the few unfortunate souls who haven’t yet grasped its aquatic glory. Evidence suggests most humans have been splashing around since the Stone Age, which, let’s be honest, is basically yesterday compared to the grand scheme of things. Here’s the kicker: even those toga-clad fellows in ancient Greece and Rome considered swimming a martial art. Can you imagine the intimidation factor? “Prepare to meet your doom, barbarian horde! I, Leonidas, shall vanquish you with a devastating… freestyle!”

Me? Let’s just say I wasn’t exactly born with flippers for feet. Unlike Michael Phelps, I didn’t emerge from the womb with a built-in breaststroke. My childhood consisted more of building elaborate sandcastle empires than conquering the high seas (or, more accurately, the kiddie pool). It wasn’t until junior high school, fueled by a potent combination of youthful bravado and the desperate need to escape a particularly soul-crushing philosophy lecture, that I decided to tackle this aquatic Everest.

The local indoor pool, bless its chlorinated heart, became my training ground. Picture this: an almost grown-up, flailing about like a particularly ungraceful sea lion, desperately trying to master the backstroke. It wasn’t pretty. But hey, perseverance is a virtue, right? Eventually, I graduated from the shallow end to venturing into the “deep end,” which, let’s be honest, was still only about chest-high. But progress is progress, folks!

Now, the question remains: where’s the best place to flaunt my (somewhat questionable) swimming prowess? The ocean? Absolutely breathtaking, but let’s be real, the constant threat of rogue waves and jellyfish stings isn’t exactly conducive to a relaxing dip. Lakes? Sure, if you enjoy the thrill of potentially encountering nature’s mystery meat – a submerged log, a discarded tire, and remember that fish piss in ponds and lakes (and the ocean.) For me, the good ol’ fashioned indoor swimming pool reigns supreme. Predictable (in the best way possible), clean (most of the time), and with a steady supply of chlorine-scented towels – what more could a swimmer ask for?

Of course, I wouldn’t be living the full human experience without acknowledging the many water-averse peoples. Look, I get it. The vast unknown can be intimidating. But let me tell you, friends, overcoming that fear is an achievement of epic proportions. Plus, think of the bragging rights! “Yeah, I used to be terrified of a little H2O, but now I can conquer swimming with the best of them.” See? Instant legend status.

So, the next time you find yourself poolside or shore-side, don’t be afraid to take the plunge. You might just discover a hidden aquatic talent, or at least manage a halfway decent doggy paddle. And who knows, maybe you’ll even inspire some poor younger souls to conquer their fear of swimming. Just remember, when it comes to swimming, the only true failure is remaining on dry land. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with the freestyle lane or a questionable outdoor tan line.

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