As a young girl, I was inevitably drawn to him. He wore a sophisticated suit, was handsome and elegant, and his deep gaze had me completely entranced by his charm. We hit it off during our blind date, laughing and enjoying each other’s company. I thought this was a gift from heaven and true love was blooming.

In “Nighthawks” created in 1942, Edward Hopper depicts two people in the same space, each immersed in his and her own dream.

However, marriage was not as blissful as I hoped. In fact, it turned into a nightmare. His alcohol and gambling addiction made him unstable, and he even physically abused me. I tried to help him overcome his addictions, but it ended in failure every time. Every incident of domestic violence that occurred when he was drunk felt like a demon rising from hell, with angry shouting and physical abuse. His violent behavior was deeply imprinted in my mind, causing me extreme fear and helplessness.

I began to lose confidence, became timid, and even began to doubt my own abilities. I was afraid to leave him, to face a future alone, and to lose custody of my daughter. Even with countless problems and violence, I still tried to salvage the relationship.

However, when I found out he had a new lover, my heart shattered into pieces. I could clearly see that he was pursuing novelty, while I was just an old woman. I became unattractive, as if my life was only the mundane part of satisfying his desires. I felt extremely lost and hopeless.

In the end, I knew I had to leave this toxic relationship. Although it was difficult, I believed it was the right choice because I deserved a better life. I needed to start over, rid myself of that nightmarish scene, and embrace happiness once again. I filed for divorce.

But in Japan, family connections, and politics often play a significant role in determining outcomes in divorce cases. As I looked at the judge’s impassive face and felt my husband’s family’s unyielding attitude, my world crumbled around me. My beloved daughter was awarded to my ex-husband for custody, and I was stripped of all our family’s property and status due to baseless accusations of adultery. My heart felt like it had been shattered into a million pieces. This was not an outcome I could accept.

I tried to prove my innocence, but the court seemed to have made up its mind. It was unwilling to hear my side of the story or learn the truth. I was slapped in the face by Japan’s male dominance and the harsh reality of the cruelty and ruthlessness of human nature.

As I thought back on the happy and hopeful years I had spent with my ex-husband, I couldn’t help but think about how complicated my situation had become due to Japan’s society and legal system.

It seemed as if my life had been taken away from me. I realized that I could not break through my ex-husband’s family’s political connections, I was destined to fade away and be cast aside on the fringes of society. Tears streamed down my face, and I felt like I had lost everything – love, family, and future.

I knew that there was only one choice left for me: to face this cruel world alone. I would be deprived of the chance to watch my daughter grow up, which was one of the most painful things I could imagine. But I needed to keep moving forward, even if sometimes I stumbled and lost my way. I believed that someday, my strength and courage would help me emerge from the darkness and embrace happiness and freedom once again.

The summer of 1961, the place—the Federal Justice Building in Connecticut, the courtroom for hearings before the Selective Service hearing officer, me.

By refusing to accept the legitimacy of the draft, I received a federal order to appear before a judge who would accept my refusal or punish me with a two-year prison sentence for illegally avoiding the draft.

Months before the FBI my argument questioned my position as a Jewish conscientious objector. Was my Jewish defense adequate to avoid the draft based on my faith?

The judge began the inquisition by challenging my Jewish beliefs. He said, “The Bible is full of stories of warfare.”  Certain that he was ignorant of Judaism, I pointed out that the Levites were exempt from military service, the Mishnah did not glorify war, and exemplary Jewish Rabbis, and philosophers, such as Martin Buber promoted pacifism.

Then he used the seemingly “gotcha” argument. “Would you have joined the war against Hitler?”

This question tried to undermine me either as a Jew who did not care about genocide, or a closet an antiwar Marxist. I defended myself from the first assumption, and remained silent on the second, fully aware it was a trap.

I explained that the strategy and purpose of the Allies was not to save the Jews. The first two years of the war

A portrait of me from my anti-war days

did not attempt to rescue the Jewish population. The military and State Department even sealed or concealed reports on genocide. They refused to destroy the train tracks that conveyed Jews, among others, to their death in the camps. After the war, ex Nazis received government and economic posts in Europe, but there scant Jews in high policy positions. The main support of the survivors was to support them in the exodus to Israel and the establishment of a Jewish state outside Europe.

I did not take the bait of providing a Marxist argument. Namely the war was between two capitalist systems. Victory for either one would not bring either peace or justice to minorities, especially African Americans, Jews, and women. The Soviet’s loss of life of twenty plus million was the major effort and sacrifice against Hitler. American post war policies threatened the safety of the Soviet Union. Rather than forcing Germany to pay adequate reparations to the Soviet Union, Europe supported the revival of Germany with the argument that this was necessary to contain Russia. American Marxists argued that Europe had regularly invaded the country:  Napoleonic, Crimean War, the White Russian uprising, and recently the threats from NATO. Russian socialism with its emphasis on equality, social justice, anti-capitalism, and anti-colonialism provided an alternative to Western hegemony, hypocrisy, and wars against the working class and the western imperialism.

The Hearing officer spent further time pestering me. A month later, I received his decision. The negative FBI report had diluted my appeal. But since I was on Pre-med track in college, he gave me the option to be a non combatant medic.

I refused this compromise. The position was still under military authority.

Consequently, a year later my appeal to the California State Board of Selective Service Appeals decided I was truly a conscientious objector, ordering a two-year commitment to community service.

However, my local board in Los Angeles had the final say. They determined I was unfit to serve in any capacity. They did not want me to take advantage of the conscientious objection status. So, they officially labeled me as a 4-F reject. I was physically, mentally, and morally unfit to serve in the U.S. armed forces.

For the next forty years I threw myself into antiwar movements. I establish friendships with such leaders s as Noam Chomsky, Howard Zinn, antiwar movements such as the Committee of Concerned Asian Scholars, and the American Friends Service Committee.

In Prague in 2019

But in 2014, during Russia’s claim to Crimea, I actively favored political and military policies in favor of Ukraine. I opposed the pacifist and left socialist support for Russia to maintain its occupation of Crimea and southern Ukraine.

During my trip to the Czech Republic in 2019, I demonstrated in Prague for solidarity against Russian threats to Ukraine.

If I were 20 years old today, I would find a way to support the Ukrainians. I would even enlist to become a medic!

Doing My Civic Duty

I’ve been called for jury service four or five times over the years,  and once was even appointed forelady and tasked with announcing the jury’s verdict to the judge.

One case I remember was about an accused shoplifter charged with taking clothing into a department store dressing room,  removing all the price tags,  and attempting to flee the store with the stolen goods.

The judge instructed us that jurors may not visit the crime scene and therefore Bloomingdales would be off limits for the duration of the trial.

That’s when I realized that doing one’s civic duty can demand real sacrifice!

RetroFlash / 100 Words

– Dana Susan Lehrman

When I started blogging, I named my blog “Still Advocating” — and indeed I am.
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