How shall I kill him? Poison knows ancient success, the weapon of choice for women, Shakespeare, and Russians. Guns are all-American. What shall it be? Poison? A gun? Maybe I should be thinking access — and egress — first, not weaponry. The West Wing boasts a dining room, a long cold room when empty. Could I morph into an eagle in one of those Americana paintings on the wall? Jab one of the arrows grasped in my talons into his back? No. His back and neck are too thick from all that golf. He wouldn’t even register the jabs. How about running a Go Fund Me drive on Facebook to raise money for a membership to Mar-a-Lago? Ridiculous. Let’s get real.
I’m a white male, went to a fancy school, I’ve been an actor. I’ve created characters before. I can do gauche. I could shape-shift into a cynical hedge fund guy, a greedy, exploitative record producer, or a former cocaine dealer who cashed out and went into straight business. I could open a Lamborghini dealership in Beverly Hills and cater to the same banished Saudi princes I’d sold coke to. A nod and a wink and I’d be part of the Mob-a-Lago.
Okay, with a preliminary access plan germinating, I need egress, most important — I’m certainly not going to sacrifice my life to liquidate this fat pustule. I call on a few old friends. Given their past victories and current enthusiasm, I trust their assurances. Post-production, they will be waiting for me. Thus assured, I can turn back to weaponry.
Poison is out: I have only the most elemental knowledge of chemistry. I’ll buy a 3-D printer, download plans for a plastic pistol off the web, purchase a box of plastic bullets from Speer, and build una pistola.
With my newly coined mob credentials, I can maneuver an invitation to a Mar-a-Lago dinner with the Fat Boy. I will need to choke down the putrified steak or antibiotic chicken but then I will be able to approach his table during the mingle period between dinner and dessert. Or, luck might allow me to secure a seat across the table from him for as long as I can stand it. Then I’ll draw the plastic gun out of my cummerbund and shoot him in the throat. I’ll only have an instant to watch him grab his neck and choke on his blood, finally speechless. I’ll have to leap quickly to dodge the blood spurting across the while tablecloth, gorifying his shirt front, tedious red tie, and the people around him. Then I’ll make a dash for the mezzanine and out through the glass doors to the balcony, where a helicopter, arranged by a coterie of aging Weathermen who used the same technique to sweep the psychedelic guru Timothy Leary out of prison, will secret me away.
They’ll have to violate federal airspace, hovering above the tile roof while I evade the disinterested Secret Service, race up the stairs to the mezzanine, and emerge onto the balcony unscathed. There, I’ll leap into the waiting ‘copter and we’ll flutter below the radar to Key Largo, where I transfer to a smuggler’s cigarette boat. The driver and navigator will proceed so swiftly, the sleek craft will leap from wave crest to crest, landing me 90 minutes later at the remote end of Veradero beach, just outside Havana. Thanks to my willful, calculating rage, the advent of the 3-D printer, and a love for Key Largo, I should survive to know with satisfaction that I have killed the worst President in history.
# # #
*This post excerpted and revised from a desperate screed I wrote during the dark days of 2019.
Charles DegelmanWriter, editor, and educator based in Los Angeles. He's also played a lot of music. Degelman teaches writing at California State University, Los Angeles.
Degelman lives in the hills of Hollywood with his companion on the road of life, four cats, assorted dogs, and a coterie of communard brothers and sisters.
Wow, this is quite a story! As you know, it is a felony to threaten the life of the President, but since the victim in question is no longer in office, I think you are safe. This is not the story I would have expected from you. I was thinking something from your radical days, or your time in Colorado, or even your teenage years. Maybe you can write one of those stories too. 🙂
Thanks, Suzy. As you know, one’s expectations are often not met!
Wow Charles, you really hate the guy!
Tell ya what, I’ll spring for your plane fare.
Thanks, Dana, but the effort would be superfluous. Only the swamp that bred the creepy creature remains.
Catharsis. You must have felt better after writing this. I know I felt better after reading it.
Thanks, Barb. As footnoted, this is an excerpt from a longer piece that I wrote circa 2018-19. Despite its intensity it never dispelled the reality or the thoughts and emotions that assault generated. And, although the source is now soiling its diapers, the swamp it built its tower upon continues to fester.
Great spy caper, Charles. I felt the catharsis too, and the theme song form “Mission Impossible” floated in my head. If only…
Yes, a caper it was , Betsy, part of a larger, 50-page piece on dealing with injustice past and present. A caper on paper only, of course, but it least it helped me maintain some semblance of sanity through those dark days.
Great fever dream. How many times have how many of us wished something horrible befell this vermin–and then when COVID had its chance, it blew it.
Good description, Khati. But unlike a fever dream, this apparition/aberration continued/s for years!
I must say, Charles, that I have had a few similar fantasies in which “someone” (not me) does just what you describe. I hoped I could let go of these thoughts once Biden won and just wish him to die a natural death or end up a convicted felon. But after January 6 …
Yeah, Laurie, it’s been a terrible blow to have this piece of detritus setting the background tone to Biden’s remarkable progress and admirable efforts. The half-dead, half-live nature of the insurrection and these horrendous attempts at vote suppression just prove that killing him wouldn’t kill what has been alive since our ridiculous, electoral-college democracy was born. Founding fathers, indeed. Here’s a survey of our wavering democracy’s status by my favorite American historian, Heather Cox Richardson: https://heathercoxrichardson.substack.com/p/july-6-2021?r=k55mx&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email&utm_source=email
A very visceral as well as fanstastical (?) story, Charles, with sentiments most of us share. I’m glad you expressed your feelings in writing. Let’s hope for some sunlight and Lysol where it’s needed.
Definitely fantastical, Marian. Part of my desperate attempts to stay sane for what I thought would be the [en]duration of the swamp thing. Of course, now we’re into the terrible aftermath!
Great satire (let us stipulate) from a seasoned satirist! Actually I’m stunned the Disgraced Former President hasn’t already succeeded in doing himself in, with his poor diet, lack of exercise, and disregard for medical expertise that (as we recently learned) required extreme medical measures to pull back from the brink. I guess Billy Joel was right: only the good die young.
Thanks, John ! Not surprisingly, that well-worn line from Billy Joel ran through my fevered brain often while I was working on the piece this prompt was excerpted from. It is remarkable that the man in question is still alive, proof positive that negative energy can also serve as a life force. Says something about humanity, doesn’t it? Or at least about this seemingly indestructable gorgon.