As a young girl, I was inevitably drawn to him. He wore a sophisticated suit, was handsome and elegant, and his deep gaze had me completely entranced by his charm. We hit it off during our blind date, laughing and enjoying each other’s company. I thought this was a gift from heaven and true love was blooming.
In “Nighthawks” created in 1942, Edward Hopper depicts two people in the same space, each immersed in his and her own dream.
However, marriage was not as blissful as I hoped. In fact, it turned into a nightmare. His alcohol and gambling addiction made him unstable, and he even physically abused me. I tried to help him overcome his addictions, but it ended in failure every time. Every incident of domestic violence that occurred when he was drunk felt like a demon rising from hell, with angry shouting and physical abuse. His violent behavior was deeply imprinted in my mind, causing me extreme fear and helplessness.
I began to lose confidence, became timid, and even began to doubt my own abilities. I was afraid to leave him, to face a future alone, and to lose custody of my daughter. Even with countless problems and violence, I still tried to salvage the relationship.
However, when I found out he had a new lover, my heart shattered into pieces. I could clearly see that he was pursuing novelty, while I was just an old woman. I became unattractive, as if my life was only the mundane part of satisfying his desires. I felt extremely lost and hopeless.
In the end, I knew I had to leave this toxic relationship. Although it was difficult, I believed it was the right choice because I deserved a better life. I needed to start over, rid myself of that nightmarish scene, and embrace happiness once again. I filed for divorce.
But in Japan, family connections, and politics often play a significant role in determining outcomes in divorce cases. As I looked at the judge’s impassive face and felt my husband’s family’s unyielding attitude, my world crumbled around me. My beloved daughter was awarded to my ex-husband for custody, and I was stripped of all our family’s property and status due to baseless accusations of adultery. My heart felt like it had been shattered into a million pieces. This was not an outcome I could accept.
I tried to prove my innocence, but the court seemed to have made up its mind. It was unwilling to hear my side of the story or learn the truth. I was slapped in the face by Japan’s male dominance and the harsh reality of the cruelty and ruthlessness of human nature.
As I thought back on the happy and hopeful years I had spent with my ex-husband, I couldn’t help but think about how complicated my situation had become due to Japan’s society and legal system.
It seemed as if my life had been taken away from me. I realized that I could not break through my ex-husband’s family’s political connections, I was destined to fade away and be cast aside on the fringes of society. Tears streamed down my face, and I felt like I had lost everything – love, family, and future.
I knew that there was only one choice left for me: to face this cruel world alone. I would be deprived of the chance to watch my daughter grow up, which was one of the most painful things I could imagine. But I needed to keep moving forward, even if sometimes I stumbled and lost my way. I believed that someday, my strength and courage would help me emerge from the darkness and embrace happiness and freedom once again.
Amy
Welcome to Retrospect Amy, and thank you for sharing your very personal and painful story.
Are you writing from Japan or are you now in the States?
May you emerge from the darkness you’ve described. Hopefully writing about it has been cathartic and will help lead you back to the happiness you deserve.
Dana, thank you so much for your message, this is the first time I try to write about my experiences and feelings, and in the process, I feel very scared and insecure. However, I believe that through writing and sharing, I can find more strength and support to overcome my own gloom and pain. For the future, I hope that I can strengthen my heart, find what I really want, and fight for it. Thank you again for your encouragement and support, I will continue to work hard to meet a better self.
This was a searing and heartfelt story. As one who also married a partner who turned out to be abusive (the first time around), I found something to be thankful for–that at least I was functioning within my own native culture and traditions. (And I already knew I was thankful that I left before we achieved the pregnancy she was pushing for.)
I had a mixed reaction to the role that alcohol played in your story. I found myself wishing that I could attribute my wife’s physical, emotional, and verbal abuse to something external like that. But I couldn’t: it was just her own truest self, acting out in all the ways that life up to that point had shaped her to do.
Thanks for your honest portrayal of such a difficult and painful situation.
P.S. Here is part of my story, which I wrote in response to the prompt, “Trauma.”
https://www.myretrospect.com/stories/a-story-of-laughter-not-and-forgetting-much/
Dale ,Thank you very much for your comment and for sharing similar experiences with me. I deeply understand what you said, that the behavior of controlling and abusive partners is often their true selves and may be caused by past life experiences. Regarding the role of alcohol in my story, I must admit that it can sometimes make people more susceptible to emotions, but in fact, the cruel and unforgivable behavior is mostly due to my partner’s psychological problems and control.
At the same time, I also greatly appreciate you sharing your story with me. Recovery and healing after trauma take time and courage, but I believe we can all overcome darkness and pain through strong beliefs and faith. I hope we can both find inner peace and happiness, and I hope our stories can inspire and help more people. Thank you again for your support and encouragement.
Amy, thank you for sharing your heartfelt and painful story with the Retrospect community. I think you will find us very supportive.
I am steeped in Western feminism and found your story very troubling, but not unlike what we find in Orthodox Jewish communities, where women have no rights and cannot obtain a divorce, even from a husband who beats or rapes her. It is infuriating. I can only say that you must believe that you ARE valued and worthy, even if your culture does not reflect that. WE, in our community, value and support you. Thank you again for feeling brave enough to share your story with us.
Betsy，Thank you for your comment. I appreciate being able to share my story in the Retrospect community and feel supported by your words. Your response is truly encouraging.
Regarding the cultural and social issues you mentioned, I believe these are universal problems that exist globally. We need to work together to address them and build more inclusive and equal societies by understanding and respecting differences in cultures.
I also appreciate your thoughts on the issue of value and self-respect. I believe that everyone should be treated with equal respect and value, regardless of their culture or community. Feeling support and understanding from the Retrospect community gives me the courage and confidence to face my challenges. Thank you again for your comment and feedback, I really appreciate it.
Such a powerful and searing story, and told with such beautifully controlled lyricism and grace. Although I see your responses to other comments, the work you have already done on this traumatic injustice speaks clearly here in your ability to tell this difficult tale.
Welcome to Retrospect, Amy! I do look forward to reading your response to other, upcoming Retro prompts!!! Write on!
Thank you so much for your encouragement and support! I’m glad my story resonated with you. I will continue to write hard and look forward to more opportunities to share my work with you in the future. Thanks again for your message!
Amy, welcome to our little community!
The pain, loss, fear and frustration you have experienced were palpable in this tale.
I am another male who suffered physical abuse at the hands of a wife, who took full advantage of my lifelong training by my parents that men never hit women. The precipitating event leading to our divorce was the day when, having been hit once too often, I came VERY close to losing that inhibition in a churning sea of rage, pain and frustration.
Dave, thank you so much for your interest and understanding of my story. I can feel those emotions you feel when you read it because I have been through the same pain and struggles. I’m sorry to hear that you too have been physically abused, but it’s also comforting that we can support and understand each other. I hope we can all get out of the shadows and live a happy life.
Through personal experience I can sympathize with your plight.
At the request of a young American woman I knew, I traveled to a rural area in central Japan. She had met a Japanese exchange student. She naively fell in love with his Japanese character. She married and joined him in his secluded village. Here she found he gambled, drank and spent evenings with his friends. Having a very limited knowledge of Japanes, she could not make community friends.
I urged her to leave. Ima! Now! Y buss was returning to Osaka. She did not join me. I have sadly lost touch with her. She is not the only foreign woman to meet her fate with traditional Japanese culture.
Thank you for sharing your experiences with such detail, and personal feelings. I hope others will take note.
Richard (P.S. I have lived in Japan. And have written a novella that reflects my knowledge of the dilemmas suffered by this poor soul. )
Dear Richard,
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my personal story. I truly appreciate your sympathy and understanding of the plight I went through. It’s unfortunate to hear about the experience of the young American woman you knew in Japan. It’s not uncommon for cultural differences and societal expectations to create challenges and hardships for individuals in cross-cultural relationships.
Your urging for her to leave shows your concern and care for her well-being. It’s disheartening that you have lost touch with her, and I hope she has found the support and strength she needed to navigate her situation.
I also appreciate your note about your personal experiences and reflections on traditional Japanese culture. It’s important for others to be aware of the challenges faced by individuals in such circumstances, and your observations add valuable insight to the conversation.
First of all Amy, I truly respect you for leaving him. The courage you had to summon was incredible. Not sure but I gather you were totally alone facing him, his family, and the courts. Losing custody of your daughter must have been heartbreaking. Physically and mentally you’ve been through more suffering than most of us. And yet Amy here you are, a courageous and gifted writer willing to reveal your story in the hope that others can learn from your struggles. I applaud your bravery and your strong determination to survive. You are amazing.
Dear Pattyv,
Thank you so much for your detailed response. I truly appreciate your understanding of the difficulties and challenges I have faced. Your praise and encouragement have made me feel incredibly grateful and touched. Your words truly inspire me to continue persevering and sharing my story with others in the hopes of helping those who may be facing similar struggles.
Your support and recognition are the driving force behind my continued efforts. I hope that by sharing my experience, I can raise more awareness and consciousness about domestic violence and the challenges of divorce, as well as the unfairness within the legal and social systems. I believe that only through education and societal change can we truly protect those who have experienced abuse and provide them with the support and protection they deserve.
Welcome to Retrospect, Amy. Your story is truly tragic. The choice between an abusive marriage and losing custody of your daughter was impossible. I hope the future brings you the happiness you deserve.
Dear Laurie,
Thank you so much for your understanding and sympathy towards my story. The experience of this marriage and divorce was indeed a deeply painful choice for me. Facing the decision between abuse and losing custody of my daughter seemed impossible. I hope that the future will bring me the happiness I deserve.
Your words have brought warmth and support to me. I also believe that, even if I stumble or lose my way at times, I still need to keep moving forward. I believe that my strength and courage will help me emerge from the darkness and regain happiness and freedom.
Thanks for sharing such deep emotional traumas. It can be hard making the pain of divorce be less than the pain of staying in an abusive situation, but time is on your side. You are not alone. You can make a better future, even if you cannot erase all the pain. Take care.
Dear Khati,
Thank you so much for expressing sympathy and support for my story. Divorce was indeed a difficult decision in order to escape the pain of abuse. I understand that time has the power to heal wounds, and I believe that I am not alone. I will strive towards a better future, even though I cannot erase all the pain. Thank you for your concern.
Take care.
My heart goes out to you, Amy. You’ve endured much and, undoubtedly, come out of it a stronger woman. I know that doesn’t erase the sadness, but it does wonders for self-confidence and the ability to find new joys in life. The Japanese divorce system you describe seems incredibly unjust, especially toward women. I have often wondered whether that culture’s views on gender equality have improved since my own time in Japan. Change seems so incrementally slow sometimes. Thanks for your courage in sharing your story, though. You have a community of supporters in the Retrospect family!
Dear Jim,
Thank you so much for expressing sympathy and support for my story. As a woman from Japan, your deeper understanding of the situation I described is greatly appreciated. I completely understand your confusion and frustration with Japan’s divorce system. I am deeply saddened by the injustice that my experience has revealed. Throughout this journey, I have come to realize that change is a long and difficult process, but I still hold hope for fighting for justice and equality, not just for myself, but for others who have faced unfair treatment. I also hope to see more progress and equality in Japan’s culture and societal beliefs.