Just before dawn one morning in June of 1986, I decided to end my life.
The trees, bushes and brush would give me plenty of privacy to do what I needed to do.
It was not a sudden decision. At least it didn’t seem so; I’d been on a psychological crash dive into darkness since 1977. The reasons are complex, and make for poor narrative, but I knew that my wife would not be particularly sad about my demise.
That was not the depression talking; it was that misbegotten a marriage. I consider it my nadir, the final manifestation of my nine year downward slide.
So, on that morning, I went to a nearby park to escape the loneliness that I could not imagine ever relieving any other way. The park was situated along a river. The trees, bushes and brush would give me plenty of privacy to do what I needed to do. If done right, it would not take long.
I sat on a rock along the riverbank as the day began, getting myself mentally ready. It was a clear, warm morning. I could hear insects buzzing and clicking as their day began. Dragonflies warmed themselves on stalks of grass. The sun glinted off the ripples and riffles.
From my right, a flight of large white birds came soaring along the river. Cattle egrets. They flew with no apparent effort, gliding just a few feet above the water. Silently, they passed by and receded downriver. Watching them go, I realized that there was still great beauty in the world, and that if I could just hang on a bit longer, maybe I could find some. I decided to go for breakfast.
My wife left me in August. In October, I found Gina.
Dave VentreA hyper-annuated wannabee scientist with a lovely wife and a mountain biking problem.
Thank heaven for those egrets! And you found beauty in the world, both in nature, then with Gina. Thank you for trusting us with your story.
Thanks! I like this community. I was only two months from relief, four months from the start of my recovery. A good example of not seeking drastic permanent solutions to temporary problems. If only it was easier to tell which ones are temporary….
Sometimes I am shocked that anyone makes 30. In fact, that June day might have been my 30th birthday.
Dave – one lucky man, Gina – one lucky gal!
I’m so glad you ended up where you were, Dave, with the egrets to show you another way to look at life. If there is one thing I’ve learned along the way, it’s that circumstances can turn on a dime, so that even though life is “breaking bad,” unexpected good can occur. And what a coincidence that, in this time of COVID, I walk to the river levee near my house to watch the elegant egrets feed and fly. They give me comfort.
Dave, what a strong story about ‘suicide’. Totally reminds me of Eckhart Tolle’s spiritual awakening in the Power of Now. I read it years ago but I believe he too sat on a park bench. Isn’t it amazing how we simply give our hearts (& lives) away to our fellow love creatures, only to fully fall in love all over again? I’m afraid I’m a bit like you, when I fall it’s with total emotion, passion and intensity. I’ve chosen to be alone these last few years and am truly enjoying the reprieve. Thank you for sharing this, love the title and the powerful last sentence…Gina.
Thank you for your kind words, Patty.
This was the second of two near misses. The first, and closest, call was in 1978, when I was afraid that no one would ever love me again. This one was because I feared that I could never again love anyone else, and I was not talking about my then-wife.
No bench; I was sitting on a rock!