I first heard this old Irving Berlin song (which you can hear below) during our 8th week Operetta concert at the end of camp, in August, 1969. The concert was devoted to his songs. It seems to perfectly sum up this week’s prompt, though, as I will explain, it does not apply to me. Berlin wrote many songs about loneliness, some during WWII for the GIs who left their loved ones behind to go fight against the Axis powers so Americans would be free from Fascism. Maybe some in this country, who claim to be patriots, need to be reminded of our history as they cozy up to Viktor Orban, think Putin isn’t so bad, etc. In a Fascist society, there is no First Amendment freedom of speech, nor the right to bear arms, practice whatever religion one chooses or vote freely. These so-called patriots should go back and study civics again, if, indeed, they ever studied at all.
I am a social creature and enjoy my time with others – family and friends; going to gym classes with others, going to meetings with acquaintances, attending lectures. But then I need my downtime; to just be by myself, no one around; to be able to do exactly as I please, eat what and when I choose, have total quiet, read as I choose, do all my projects, get lost in my old, romantic movies. I find it soothing. I am not lonely at all. This can go on for weeks at a time (I still go the gym, to be sure and run errands, but I am essentially alone at home).
After years of looking after my children while my husband worked (and often traveled several days a week), and now he has been retired and home full-time for more than two decades with no projects beyond daily exercise, I do look forward to time alone. But that is not to be construed as loneliness.
On the other hand, our daughter in Seattle, has become a shut-in since the onset of COVID. She is a tech person and has always lived in an online world, but this is different. She’s had all her vaccinations, including the first bivalent booster (and hopes to get a second soon – she has some underlying conditions). Yet, she remains fearful of eating in public, going to a movie, doing anything where there might be crowds. Last year, she flew home for Thanksgiving and does plan to come again this year. She wore a good mask through the airport and knows the air quality is good on the plane.
She admits that getting COVID isn’t the real problem; she is fearful of long COVID – the brain fog, the extreme fatigue, etc. She knows the odds of her getting it aren’t high, yet she remains fearful, so stays inside, seeing just a few good friends. She is a contract programmer, so there is no need to go to an office. Yet she is very lonely and it wears on her. She admitted to me a few months ago that COVID has ruined her life. It made me terribly sad to hear her say that and I wished I could help her – reason with her, but I know that I cannot. I cannot wish away her fear. She suffers from anxiety and can go down into deep depressions. She has sleep difficulties and struggles with her weight. All of this adds to her fears about COVID. This is not something I can I help her with (beyond being supportive), but my heart goes out to her. We can only hope (and point out to her) that the world is returning to normal; she can choose to join us.
Now she tells us that she and her special friend will move in together in a few months. This is, indeed, great news! She said they are both a bit hesitant, but are going to take the plunge and will begin looking for an apartment together. And best of all, she will no longer be lonely!
Betsy PfauRetired from software sales long ago, two grown children. Theater major in college. Singer still, arts lover, involved in art museums locally (Greater Boston area). Originally from Detroit area.
Betsy , I’m so glad to hear Vicki is moving in with a friend, I know how you worry about her as we all do about our kids.
And it doesn’t stop when they’re grown, does it!
When our son was a newborn I remember someone telling us, “Small children, small problems – big children, big problems!”
So true!
Thanks for the concern, Dana. Another saying is: “Your are only as happy as your least happy child”. This is also true!
I certainly wish the best for your daughter—even having one other person to share life with makes such a difference. Your support surely helps, even if that is not enough to answer all her needs. She is not the only person who was set back by COVID and sometimes realizing that helps a little. She is not alone.
Thanks so much, Khati. We were thrilled to hear that she and her friend have decided to move in together. This is a big step for her and I DO think it will make a huge difference for her. She tends toward depression, so having someone around will be up-lifting.
Lovely, thoughtful work as always, Betsy. I was particularly moved by the portrait of your daughter’s condition. I feel strongly that, although we all took the unavoidable impact of Covid in some manner, certain demographics suffered more than others. Small children, robbed of the early socialization of daycare and preschool, the cruel interruption of education at the elementary and middle school levels, the terrible hormone-filled restlessness of high school, and on and on.
My children are grown, as you know. One had the accelerated responsibility of life, death, and triage as an emergency room doctor, one as an elementary school teacher but neither were victimized the way so many young adults were, with the incompetence and denial of the Trump fiasco to make matters worse. You show your love and compassion for your daughter, certainly heavily impacted by covid. I’ve seen many young friends suffer from this interruption, just as independent life began gathering momentum. I hope the best for your daughter, and all of us!
Thank you for your kind thoughts, Charlie. I’m hoping for the best.
B, my friends and I still hesitate to dive back into ‘life before. Our local movie theaters suffer greatly. So I kind of relate to your daughter. No, I’m not worried about COVID the way I was, but we just don’t socialize like before. So happy she’s taking the huge step of moving in with her friend. Hopefully it will be exactly what she needs.
Thank you, Patty. I hope so too.
Betsy, I feel for your daughter. COVID especially impacted people I know who were already anxious. I hope letting someone else into her life will break the isolation. Quality alone time is what I crave, but we are still working it out.
We hope this move will improve Vicki’s life too, Laurie.
One of the primary reasons I do NOT wish to downsize if the fear of not having a quiet space within my own domain. I understand your situation entirely. Good luck working things out.
Betsy: your stories are always filled with detail about the nature of your experiences. I love to ride through them
I empathize with you and your daughter’s predicament. My wife had long Covid for a long time. As President of an organization, she has had to juggle the absences of her Covid infected staff, has feared traveling to large or even small meetings through Mn. where many people do not wear masks. Our daughter travels to meetings nation wide. She and her husband have both had bouts with covid. Developing a a positive psychological strategy is an ongoing process. I wish your daughter success in finding her way back to a more enjoyable world.
I am glad you enjoy riding through my stories, Richard.
Thank you for sharing the details of your families’ bouts with COVID and how debilitating those have been. I know this makes you appreciate my daughter’s dilemma. I, too, hope she can slowly find her way back to a more enjoyable world.
Betsy, I enjoyed reading about your relationship with solitude and how it meshes with your social persona. You seem more balanced than me, or maybe even most people I know. The ability to appreciate both long times of solitude as well as socializing has been hard for me. I tend toward much more aloneness (excepting my wife and animals and a couple good friends) than social interactions. However, when I do venture out, I sometimes find I enjoy that more than I thought I would. From the posts I’ve read on this prompt, I can see how women especially crave times of solitude, especially during the years of marriage when child-raising, career, and spousal needs don’t leave much time for aloneness. Over the years, I’ve come to appreciate what terrific jugglers most women are.
This is an interesting perspective, Jim. I’ve never thought of myself as a juggler but you are correct. Most successful women do just that and then need our down time. Thanks for pointing this out to me.
Yes Jim, we women are always juggling, and we do it while we are dancing — as fast as we can!
Or, as Ginger Rogers said, dancing backwards in high heels!
Betsy, I don’t think that COVID, as bad as it was and is, was nearly as deadly as the 1918-ish Spanish flu, but now we have so much more media to stoke our fears and paranoias. I recall in Spring 2020, riding my bike and coming upon an obstacle that had stopped a few other riders. It took me maybe 10-15 seconds, to stop, hoist my bike over and continue on my way, but those seconds of being in a group of people absolutely freaked me out. I spent a week waiting for my lungs to fill up. And I am pretty well versed in basic microbiology. But the constant din of DOOM DOOM DOOM can begin to overwhelm anyone’s common sense.
Fear is also at the heart of today’s Fascists (as it ever was) along with it’s bastard child, hatred. But now they have a huge echo chamber in which to feed their personal beasts. MANY people lack critical reasoning skills (or are just sort of stupid), so FOX and its ilk found fertile fields.
I agree with everything you’ve said here, Dave. Unfortunately.